Rules for Bands

My radio show runs until 9:30 p.m. Adam ("the Sloth") comes in then until midnight, playing two and a half hours of metal.

My last song was Metallica. As I didn't have the 8 and a half minutes to play "Master of Puppets," I instead put on "Unforgiven," off of their Black Album.

Adam told me he bought that album and threw it out the car window as he was driving down the road.

I asked him if he went through the five stages of grief.

DENIAL: You know, I actually like this album. They've got a cleaner sound, it's more accessable for new fans, and it's a good evolution from what they've done before.

ANGER: Those sons of bitches! I want my $10 back!

BARGINING: You know, I bet that after this album, and the tour, they'll be right back at it, putting out 10-minute-long thrash epics like they've always done!

RATIONALIZATION: They're never coming back from this. But, hey, at least I've still got Ride the Lightning to listen to.

ACCEPTANCE: God, they suck.

Adam said no, he never went through denial. Apparently, like everyone else, he went straight to anger and set up a tent. We were all there for quite a while.

There should be rules for bands.

Like, say you're in a band and your new album is a drastic turn in another direction, you've replaced a core member of the group, anything like that. You really owe it to everybody--yourself, your fans, your legacy, everybody--to just start a new band.

It could be the same four guys, but just think up a new name.

For example:

Green Day. Green Day is, was, ought to be, a snot-nosed punk band. Now they think they're artists, writing rock operas and wearing eyeliner. Cool. Go for it. Knock yourselves out. But get a new name. Insomniac got me through 6th grade, and American Idiot is just... it's terrible. It's not worthy of the name. Get a new name. It's not like those three haven't proven themselves able to sell records. The record company would have sellable product. But the Green Day name isn't what it used to be.

There are exceptions, of course. Bands evolve. Hey, the Replacements went from being hardcore punk to college alt-rock to incredible pop songwriters, and it all flows naturally.

Radiohead went from Pablo Honey to the Bends to OK Computer to Kid A. Probably the best run any band has ever had, ever. I will fight you about this. Physically fight. Their albums post-Kid A are brilliant, of course, but those four? Bliss.

Radiohead's evolution makes sense. You see how they grew. And you see how what they grew into led the way for what followed.

These aren't set in stone, of course.

Bon Scott died, AC/DC replaced him with Brian Johnson. Johnson and Scott sound nothing alike, but Johnson has the same swagger, and an appropriate rasp in his voice, and the band soldiered on.

On the other hand, David Lee Roth left Van Halen and was replaced with Sammy Hagar. Gone were the days of getting albums like Fair Warning, and in came albums like OU812. That ain't Van Halen.

R.E.M., Idlewild, hell, even blink 182 matured. But they matured for a reason, and their songs maintained the same quality: Peter Buck bought an effects pedal and they put out Monster, but the songs were still good. Idlewild traded the "flight of stairs falling down a flight of stairs" quality for a Smiths-esque sound, but the songs were still good. Blink still sang about donkey-punching someone's mother two songs an album, but even with their more mature stuff THE DAMN SONGS WERE STILL GOOD!

Metallica went from thrashing your face off for 15 minutes at a time in songs about H.P. Lovecraft books to writing four-minute songs in 4/4 about cars.

There oughta be a law.