Wednesday. April 21. 2010.

It's 2:21 in the morning on Wednesday, April 21.

Today will either be a great day or the worst day I've ever had, no middle ground, nothing in between, and it's all out of my hands.

Here's the situation: I need Cs in all my classes in order to graduate.

I have an A, two Bs and a C, with two grades left to recieve.

And today, April 21, I get those two grades. And I have no clue if I'm going to make it or not.

Most of my peers and classmates are excited about graduating. They're moving, they're hunting for jobs, they're preparing to go to grad school. I haven't been able to muster up even the slightest bit of giddiness in anticipation of walking across the stage specifically because I just don't know if I will or not.

There's still a pretty good chance that pretty much my entire family will be getting to St. Augustine just in time to see me flunk out of college on the last day of my last semester: Ant hits rock bottom and starts to dig!

I mean--and pardon the language, here--what the fuck am I going to do if my fears are confirmed? Not only would it be an unspeakably violent kick in the nuts (figuratively speaking) but what, realistically, would my options be?

Go back to Ft. Lauderdale in utter defeat, get my job back at Publix, spend the rest of my life unloading grocery trucks and stocking shelves? Fuck that.

Pretty much the only thing I can think of would be to suck it up and join the military. Sure, it'd buy me a couple of years, but after that? I'll be 30 and smack-dab in the middle of Shit Or Get Off The Pot territory.

I don't know. I just don't know, I feel like I'm adrift at sea and I'm absolutely scared shitless of what's going to happen in about 12 hours.

This Is Not Good.